By Steve Tuttle
Illustration by Mike Litwin
ou see it all over campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays when a new issue of The East Carolinian student paper comes out. Students pick it up and immediately turn to the editorial page to read the Pirate Rants, an open forum where anybody can e-mail a thought about most anything they choose, anonymously, and see it in print, unedited. Under different names, the Rants column has been a staple of the student paper for several years; similar columns appear in the student papers at most other universities.
Many Pirate Rants are gross or shocking but amid the crude humor and sophomoric jibes are some that expose student life for all its wonderful diversity, such as this confession: “When I’m alone in my car, I jam out to Christian rock.”
Under the policy adhered to by the student paper as approved by the Student Media Board that supervises it, Pirate Rants cannot contain illegal or defamatory statements, threaten a certain person or organization, or be sent in by any Student Media professional or student staff. Otherwise, any topic is fair game.
We monitored the Pirate Rants column over the past calendar year to glean ones that seem to offer insights into what it’s like being a college student these days. They seem to fall into the categories below:
To whom it may concern
♦ To the girl in the Greene Hall elevator: I’m sorry I dropped a case of water on your foot.
♦ To the guy at Chick-fil-A: Thank you for using your Pirate bucks for my meal: THANK YOU!
♦ To the person who turned my wallet into Belk: THANK YOU!
♦ To the wonderful person who folded my laundry in Jarvis: THANK YOU!!!
♦ To the tall blonde girl with the cleft lip: I think you are absolutely beautiful! BTW, anybody reading this that knows who I’m talking about, please let her know just so she sees it!
♦ To the girl with the blue L.L. Bean book bag who walks between Dowdy and Rawl every Monday, Wednesday and Friday: You have the sexiest waist and tummy on campus and you know it!
♦ To the person who said the girl with a blue L.L. Bean backpack had a sexy waist: Thank you. Even if you were not talking about me, it still made me smile to think MAYBE, just maybe, it was me you were talking about.
The real me
♦ I have a 3.7 GPA and still feel like a failure.
♦ People have told me that I have changed, but the truth is I think I just found myself.
♦ I graduate next December and I still don’t know what to do with my life. Sorry mom.
Those raging hormones
♦ I wish the guys who live across from us would come out on their balcony so we could stare at them more!
♦ Hey ladies, say something and don’t just stare, it’s creepy.
♦ To the blonde who sits across from me in Shakespeare: if you catch me looking at you, it’s only because I think you’re beautiful.
♦ I know I have a boyfriend, but I don’t want him, I want you.
♦ OK, I’m 5'7" and you’re 6'1", but girl we can make it work.
♦ Just ask me out already, dang!
♦ If a guy sits beside you all through class and doesn’t say a word and then suddenly starts to talk about the weather as you’re walking out of class, does that classify as flirting?
♦ Do you know what it feels like loving someone who’s in a rush to throw you away?
♦ I am FINALLY over you and it feels great.
♦ Boys just come crawling out of the woodwork as soon as you have a boyfriend, and then when you’re single, they all disappear, and you know what lonely really feels like.
♦ It always amazes me how you can completely spill your heart to someone and get absolutely nothing in return.
♦ I no longer invest time thinking about the past, but the last time I saw you made me realize it was ALL my fault.
♦ Everyone thinks I’ve got my life so together. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up the show.
♦ Newsflash: You’re the boy. I’m the girl. You text me first or we don’t talk today.
♦ I just got a Dear John text [message]. How pathetic is that?
♦ The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog.
Stop me if you’re heard this
♦ 3.14 percent of sailors are Pi Rates.
♦ Gas for the ride to Columbia [for the baseball regional tournament]: $100, Hotel for two nights: $237, Ticket to the Carolina Cup: $35, Going to the bar only to find that everyone there is from ECU and you already know them: PRICELESS.
Hey, sports fans
♦ My brother goes to WVU and still will not return my phone calls. I promise I am not going to rub the game in your face anymore. I just want to know how Grandma is doing!
♦ Remember those blissful times when ECU sucked at football and we didn’t have to start waiting in line for tickets at 5 a.m.?