1.  Most blues numbers begin, "Woke up this mornin'."

2.  "I got a good woman" is also popular, but it's a bad way to begin the blues unless you stick somethin' nasty in the second line, like "I got a good woman, /With the meanest face in town."

3.  The blues is simple.  After you get the first line right, repeat it.  Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:  "Got a good woman, with the meanest face in town,/She got teeth like Mar'gret Thatcher,/And she weigh four hundered pound."

4.  The blues is not about choice.  You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5.  Blues cars to sing about:  Chevys and Cadillacs that you used to have but ain't got no more, and broke-down trucks you stuck in a ditch with.  Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, SUVs, or Hummers.  Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.  Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.  Walkin' plays a major part in blues lifestyles.  So does fixin' to die.

6.  Teenagers can't sing the blues cause they ain't fixin' to die yet.  Grown folks sing the blues, cause you got to be old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.  Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.  Hard times in St. Paul and Tucson is just Reactive Depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City still the best urban places to have the blues.  You can't have the blues any place that don't get rain.

8.  A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.  A woman with male pattern baldness is.  Breakin' you leg skiing is not the blues.  Breakin' you leg cause a alligator chompin' on it is.

9.  You can't have no blues in an office or shoppin' mall.  The lighting is wrong.  Go outside or sit by the dumpster.  If you got the blues real bad, crawl in  the dumpster.

10.  Good places for the blues: highway; jailhouse; empty bed; bottom of a whiskey glass.

11.  Unacceptable places for the blues:  ashrams; focus groups; gallery openings; golf courses; fern bars.

12.  Nobody will take you seriously if you wear a suit, less you happen to be some old ethnic person and you slept in it.

13.  You got the right to sing the blues if : you older than dirt; you dirtier than you are old; you blind; you shot a man in Memphis; you can't be satisfied.

14.   You ain't got the right to sing the blues if: you have all your teeth; you once were blind but now can see; the man in Memphis recovered; you got a retirement plan or a trust fund.

15.  Blues is not a matter of color, it's a matter of hard luck.  Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues, nor can Michael Jordan.  Gary Coleman maybe can.  Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16.  If you ask your Baby for water and she give you gasoline, that's the blues.  Other acceptable blues beverages are:  cheap fortified wine; raw whiskey, store-bought or home-made; muddy water; black coffee with the grounds in it.  The following drinks are not blues beverages: mixed drinks; white zinfandel; Perrier; Snapple.

17.  If it occurs in a cheap hotel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to expire.  So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and gasping out your death rattle on a broken-down army surplus cot.  You can't qualify for a blues funeral if you die during a tennis match or beautification committee meeting or while getting liposuction.

18.  Some blues names for women: Sadie; Big Mama; Bessie; Minnie; Fat River Dumplin'.  Some blues names for men: Big Joe; Little Joe; Willie; Willie Joe; Joe Willie.  Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19.  Make-your-own-blues-name starter kit:
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Peg-leg, etc.)
    b. first name (see above, a) plus name of fruit or vegetable.
    c. last name of American president (Jefferson, Washington, Johnson, etc.)
    d. combine a b and c to produce, for example, Blind Lemon Jefferson (already claimed), Gouty Grape Garfield, Tounge-tied Turnip Taft, etc.